What is love ?
Is it really an actual feeling?
Or is it just a word two people throw at each other during the right moments?
Is the word actually meant when it’s spoken?
I recently lost the love of my life and in the beginning I didn’t know how to feel about it.
I went from feeling sad, to mad, to pissed off, too optimistic, and right back to sad.
Although I felt every emotion during this break up, I couldn’t blame anything or anyone else for it.
I was a very toxic spouse.
I was impatient and obnoxious at times.
I was petty, argumentative, and I obsessed over meaningless details at the expense of our harmonious relationship.
The angry person I am, the anger I felt on a daily basis the stemmed from my past poisoned and consumed my ex.
When we first met they were happy, kind, goofy, surrounded by nothing but positivity.
They had this genuine and happily peaceful glow to them.
They also had this sort of submissive / cameleon way about themselves.
When placed in any situation they would very quickly and effectively adapt to that environment, essentially becoming a mirrored image of their surroundings.
Unfortunately for me, I was their surrounding.
Me, someone full of anger and hate.
Someone completely different from them.
We were complete opposites.
Almost like yin and yang.
Although I know exactly where my anger stems from and rather its my fear of the unknown, my fear of not being able to fully know what exactly will happen to me in the process of healing or rather my complete and utter laziness.
I have refused to change.
My refusal to change ran away, what I thought, was my one true chance at happiness.
From what I understandd about the word “Love” this far, I would definitely say that I loved this person very much, so much so that it went way past the meaning of love, I became obsessed with this person.
I unintentionally cut off all my friends because they were at the time, the only voice I wanted to hear. I wanted them around me all of the time, I craved their attention.
